It’s funny how much we talk about learning, how to do it faster, better, earlier, but not nearly enough about why it sometimes doesn’t happen. Or rather, what needs to be there before it even can. And one of the biggest things, maybe the biggest, is this simple, deeply human need to feel safe. Not just “no sharp objects” safe, not just “locked doors” safe, but that deep-down kind of safety, the emotional kind, the kind that says, “You’re okay here. You can mess up a bit. You can be yourself.” And honestly, without that, the rest doesn’t really stick.
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Brains Don’t Learn When They’re Bracing
Have you ever tried to concentrate while your heart was pounding? Or take in what someone’s saying when you’re convinced you’re about to get in trouble? It’s almost impossible. Your brain, smart as it is, just can’t do both things at once. When we’re stressed or scared, it basically says “forget everything else” and goes into survival mode. This is great if there’s danger, but not so great when you’re trying to figure out fractions.
Safety Looks Different for Everyone
For some children, safety is knowing there’ll be toast in the morning. For others, it’s someone remembering their name, or not raising their voice, or letting them have quiet when they need it. It’s the little things, the soft routines, the gentle check-ins. The grown-up who says, “You’re alright, I’ve got you,” without making a big fuss about it.
Some children have never really had that feeling of safety to begin with. For children in foster care, this is often their reality. But here’s where long-term fostering can completely change things. When a child knows they’ve got somewhere safe to stay, that someone will ask about their day and actually listen to the answer, when tea gets made at the same time each evening, that’s when their brain can finally relax enough to learn. Not just cramming for tests, but actually figuring out who they are and what they’re good at. It happens slowly, but it happens.
Connection First, Everything Else After
It’s tempting to rush into the doing, the lessons, the goals, the “what did you learn today?” stuff. But the truth is, none of it really lands unless the child feels held emotionally, seen, noticed and safe.
And yes, this applies to adults just as much. We don’t stop needing safety just because we hit 18 or start paying council tax. Whether it’s a new job or a tough conversation, or even just trying something unfamiliar, learning still starts in the same place, i.e., with someone or something quietly saying, “You’re okay. You’re not alone.”
So with this in mind, maybe the best thing we can do is to be that soft place, and that solid ground, even if it’s just for a short time. Because when someone feels safe, they stop looking over their shoulder. They start looking ahead. And that’s where learning lives. (Also, a snack never hurts. Just saying.)